Satisfaction
by Taintless
Summary: What Hermione really wants....
1. Her First Doubt

Life.

Life was the one thing in this world Hermione Granger would never understand.

That and herself. She didn't understand who she was or why she did the things she did? She didn't understand the sneaky urges she had, the lustful thoughts about Severus Snape's pale skin against her small pink tongue or about Draco Malfoy's silky hair being gripped harshly by her hand as she kissed him.

She didn't understand what was happening to her.

She was only sixteen. She lay in bed every night and wondered what was wrong with her. Why everything, that had seemed important to her once upon a time, was gone? She couldn't get satisfaction out of books anymore. She was craving for something, something more than House Elves' rights or good test results. But she didn't understand what these things were.

She had no one to talk to this about. Even if her pride and stubbornness let her, who would she confide in? Ron and Harry? The thought was laughable. They could never understand her. She was too complex for their one-tracked minds. They would never understand. If she didn't, what change did they have. Ginny? She was still a naïve little child, flirting with the boys but the minute they got close she'd dump them. She wasn't ready for life. Luna? Luna didn't even know her own life, her own feelings, let alone Hermione's.

Hermione wanted perfection but she didn't feel perfect. She felt dirty, tainted and confused. She wanted things she shouldn't want. She wanted things her parents had never asked her to achieve. And the funny thing was, was that she didn't want love or life-long happiness – she didn't want her fairy tale.

No, she wanted something sharp, real, cutting. Something that could draw blood. Something like danger, but not danger. Something like life-threatening, but yet her life not being threatened. She didn't want bliss or heaven, she just wanted to be satisfied.

But there was something in her way, and that something was herself and her life – the two things she didn't understand. The limitations of her body and of her mind stopped her from achieving. Instead she would widdle away years, wanting it, begging silently for it, but never having it.


	2. Her First Kiss

Everyone else was in bed. Why wasn't she? Instead she sat in front of the fireplace, a book resting in her hand, waiting to be read. It would be waiting for a very long time. Hermione was in a state of deep thinking. She didn't know how to stop the unquenchable thirst that was taking over her life.

What was wrong with her?

Or perhaps a better question was, what was right about her? That one would be a little bit easier to answer, she reckoned. She tried searching the library and for the first time ever, it had disappointed her. She hadn't read one sentence of words that had helped her.

She'd read about puberty, yes, but if everyone experienced this, then why weren't they all suffering sleepless nights? Why weren't they all trying to fix themselves, as she was? She wanted this tainted feeling gone but, for them to be gone, she'd have to understand them first.

She slid off the seat and crouched down by the fire, leaving her body open to the heat. She stared into it, until it was barely a mesh of colours. Her heart seemed to pump in her ears as she tried to think. She tried to think as fast and as hard as she could, but all she could hear, all she could feel, was the loud pumping in her ears.

She was tired. She should have been asleep. But she couldn't return to that bed again. She couldn't return to that dorm where everyone else was sleeping, where everyone else was completely normal. Surely all Lavender dreamt about was hair and handbags. Surely all Pavarti dreamt about was clothes and shoes.

What about boys? Surely boys thought about it as much as she did. But, for her to think about Harry and Ron that way, was purely absurd. She felt like she was one in a million, the odd one out, the unsatisfied among the many satisfied.

Her distress built up and she fell from her crouch to seat on the ground, legs sprawled out. What was she going to do?

"Hermione," a timid voice came to her from the stairs, leading from the boys' dormitories. "er, what are you doing up so late? Shouldn't you be asleep?"

She turned slowly, slowly awakening from her heavy thoughts. "Neville? Oh.... Oh I couldn't sleep."

He stepped forward hesitantly, looking a little frightened. "Hermione, do you mind if I sit down here?" He gestured, in a small quick gesture, to the chair near her.

"No, er, not at all." Neville's awkwardness made her feel a bit awkward and she realised she was wearing her quite unflattering nightdress and that her hair was down. After years of frizzy hair experience, she now knew that she would be doing herself and the world a favour by tying her hair up and had done so now for the last two years. She felt vulnerable with it down, and extremely ugly.

But it was only Neville after all.

He sat down with a heavy thump and said nothing. She waited for him to say something but he didn't and, after a moment or two, went back to her thoughts.

She'd never even kissed a boy before. Yes, well, she'd kissed Ron and Harry on the cheek before but that was as bold as she got. But still she remembered that like yesterday. Leaning in, feeling her lips against their cheeks, the texture, the feeling, their faces of shock and confusion and the feeling of power and _control _she'd felt, at that second. Both of them, suddenly remembering she was actually a girl.

Did no one know and if so, how could she remind them? Did Neville know? Is that why he was so awkward, just a mere second ago? Or perhaps that was because she was bossy, and controlling, and often yelled at him in Potions. Yes, it was, of course, the Latter.

She'd never even kissed a boy before. Had everyone else kissed someone? Harry had kissed Cho, that was definite. How about Ron? There had been a rather funny rumour going around, about a very flushed Ron and a very guilty Lavender coming out from behind one of the Christmas trees that decorated the Great Hall.

How about poor old Neville, seating there, with his rather plump shape and his rather babyish red cheeks? How about Mr Longbottom, the failure of all failures at Potions? Hermione, feeling rather mean after such critical and guilty thoughts, smiled kindly up at Neville.

He looked like a deer caught in headlights. He tried to smile back, a terrible wobbly smile, and then he laughed nervously, in a giggle unlike Ginny's.

Was it that unusual for her to just smile at a boy? Was she that boring and nasty and unsocial? Was she that kind of girl, the kind of girl that would never have a relationship with a boy unless the word "plutonic" was before it?

Desperation clawed at her, the desperation for something she couldn't identify only to know it'd bring her the satisfaction she craved. She let it claw at her, build within her, until she couldn't stand it any more.

"Neville," she said brisky, "stand up."

Neville, registering her Potion's tone, stood up without question.

She stood up as well and straightened down her terrible nightdress. She couldn't look at him, couldn't believe what she was about to do.

She stepped close to him. A clock was ticking somewhere or maybe it was just her imagination. It echoed loudly in the silent room, along with both their breathing.

No, I can't do this.

Tick tock, tick tock...

Would they ever realise that she was a girl?

Tick tock, tick tock...

She'd never even kissed a boy before.

Tick tock, tick tock...

She lifted her head before she could reconsider, close to him as she could, registered in a flash his absolutely terrified head, and quickly kissed him.

Her first ever kiss, with Neville Longbottom.

_Okay, may I just point out, I have no say in what my hands write? Anyway, this will not be a Hermione/Neville pairing, I don't even know what romance will it end on, but this story is all about Hermione growing up and finding herself. Hermione doesn't do things by half, she tackles them heads first and that what she's going to do in this story. Anyway, there should be more soon. I'm sorry this is so short, only I have to go study!_


	3. Her First Reputation

She sat in the Breakfast table and miserably contemplated her day. Double History of Magic, Potions, Care of Magical Creatures and Ancient Runes. She looked up at the ceiling and looked at the sky. Dark grey sky, with large stumbling clouds and splatters of rain. Miserable and dull, just like her.

Neville wouldn't even look at her.

There was something growing inside her. She had loads of time before class, she was early. She looked at her friends around her, and quickly excused herself. Neville shot her an anxious glance before she left.

She walked quickly through the hallway, something building inside her. In one dreadful moment, she realised she was going to cry. She slipped into a bathroom and realised it was Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. Hoping Myrtle was somewhere else, she walked to a cubicle and closed herself in.

She wasn't going to cry after all. She sat on the toilet lid and put her head in her hands. What was wrong with her? She wanted something, something outside her reach and it was driving her mad. Here she was, in a dingy bathroom while she should have been down with her friends, catching up on her work for class like she had always done. Why had she changed?

She stood up quickly and threw open the door. She stormed over to a mirror, wiped it clear with her hand, and examined her face.

Plain hair, tied up from her face. Red blotchy skin, not too many blemishes. Brown eyes, small and squinty, she should wear her glasses more when reading. Bushy eyebrows, a shade darker than her hair. Slightly crooked nose, smallish and pointy. Chapped small pink lips, with, thankfully, now straight teeth.

Not terrible. Not ugly. But not pretty. Not Lavender. Not girly. Not sexy.

She wanted boys to like her. She wanted life to be more enjoyable. Everything was so worrying now, so bad. All this worry about Harry and Voldemort and Death Eaters. She missed Sirius and she missed the old Harry. She wished fighting with Ron; they couldn't anymore because Harry got so irritated now. Now all they did was talk about Quidditch or play chess. It was the same kind of stuff that they had done since first year and Hermione wanted something more.

She'd ruined her relationship with kind hearted Neville. He wouldn't be her partner in Potions anymore and Ron and Harry had each other. Who was she going to be partnered with now? Oh Merlin, more for her to worry about.

Why was she even fretting about these things? She should be more considerate of the people around her. But she wasn't. Now she was obsessed with herself and her want for satisfaction. Maybe, if I was pretty, boys would like me and then…

And then what? She frowned at herself in the mirror. Idealistic thinking. Since when had she become so shallow anyway? Since when did she care?

She wiped her face, wiped her eyes which were just a little moist, and began to descend down to class. She sat down next to Ron and Harry in History of Magic and tried to pay attention.

Merlin, why were Harry and Ron so noisy? They were both giggling over something on their notes. She couldn't help but glance over at it. It was a doodle, Ron's doodling. It seemed like it was a boy and girl kissing, cartoon-like. The boy was extremely round and short, with a dozy expression on his face and hearts all around his head. The girl was thinner than the boy but just as short, with no curves at all to tell if it was a girl or boy. There was a somewhat angry expression on her face, as she kissed the boy. Her cheeks were coloured red, with distinct frowning lines on her face. Large scribbles seemed to symbolise hair.

It was her and Neville, she realised.

"What is that?" she said, tight lipped. She tried to stop herself shouting.

"Nothing," they both said, looking as guilty as each other.

She tore it off them and stared at it. Two things hit her: They must know about the kiss and that this cartoon was what they thought of her – some angry shapeless thing.

She didn't know which one upset her more.

She threw it back at them angrily, hitting Ron straight in the forehead. She turned away from them, her eyes on her teacher, cheeks and eyes burning. Her fingers tingled and itched.

"Hermione…"

"It's just a doodle…"

She ignored them, heart racing. She had always been an emotional person, but not to such an extent. Or maybe she had always been and she was just noticing it now. She seemed to be noticing a lot of new things about herself recently.

After class, she stormed off to the Potions classroom on her own and reached there first. She sat down at an empty desk and worried about who she would be partners with. Neville was going to avoid her like a plague and Harry and Ron were kind of inseparable. She didn't really have many friends, did she?

And Merlin, she didn't even have any girl friends. She had hated Fleur, she got so irritated with Luna and she couldn't stick Lavender and all the other girls in her dormitory. Her only real girl friend was Ginny and that girl was so naïve and immature that she was nearly as bad as Lavender.

The door opened.

"Goyle, I'm going to partner with Crabbe today. You made such a mess last class. I'm _sure _you don't mind."

Goyle's face remained the same and he grunted in reply. He sat down at a desk near the back. On his own.

Malfoy gave her a scathing glance and leaned down to hiss something in Crabbe's ear. Crabbe looked up at her, back at Malfoy, then guffawed stupidly. Goyle guffawed at the back, although there was no chance that he'd have heard.

She couldn't say a good comeback because she hadn't heard his remark and she had no real proof that it had been about her. Glowering and muttering to herself, she started getting her books out. Students started flooding in, and none of them sat beside her.

"Hey, Hermione, are you sitting here? Only there are no more desks for me and Lavender…"

But before she could reply to Seamus' question, Snape said, "Working on your own today, Miss Granger?" His eyes found Neville and he smirked slightly. "There's no need for you to have a whole desk to yourself, I'm sure you'll agree. The system is, and has always been, a pair per table." She nodded quickly. "Well, then… sit with Mr Goyle."

Without another word, she pushed her books into her already over-spilling bag and strode down to Goyle's desk. When she slammed her bag angrily down, it burst open, and all her books flooded down onto the floor.

"Miss Granger, pick them up immediately," Snape snapped coldly through the class' laugh.

She could hear Goyle guffawing beside her.

"Here, you hold this," she ordered, flustered beyond belief. She dumped her bag on him, picked up her books from the ground, threw them into the bag, and sat back up onto her seat.

She laughed when she saw Goyle's face, shocked, with her bag on his lap, weighing tons no doubt. She took it from him, trying not to laugh, and said, "Thank you."

If it had been Malfoy, he probably would have dumped the bag down onto the ground again or made a smart remark about how he'd just had a bath. Goyle hadn't done anything nice but it still registered in her mind that he hadn't done anything mean. He hadn't acted like a typical Slytherin.

So, she wasn't mean to have in Potions. She treated him no worse that she would have Neville in Potions. Goyle was terribly slow and sloppy and, sadly, rather dull. He guffawed if he heard Malfoy or Crabbe guffawing, even when it was terribly obvious he wasn't in on the joke, even when it was terribly noticeable that they were laughing at him.

Feeling sorry for him because he was obviously so clueless, she tried to explain some of the Potions to him. Needless to say, it was a bit of a lost cause.

"Hermione," Harry whispered to her through Potions, while passing to give his to Snape. "Why are you angry about the drawing? C'mon, even you must have noticed the nervous looks Neville was throwing you."

"What are you talking about, Harry?" she said in her best McGonagall voice.

"It just looked like he liked you, that's all."

So, they didn't know about the kiss. That was one worry off her list. Snape yelled at Harry to "Hurry it on." He smiled at her before going and she reluctantly smiled back. It was impossible to be angry at Harry when he was in a good mood.

"Oh yeah, Hermione," Harry said, on his way back down, "Ron said to ask: why are you being nice to Goyle?"

When the class ended, she saw Malfoy storming over to Goyle, scowling deeply. She nearly ran from the room.

By the end of the day, there were rumours going around of both Neville and Goyle fancying her.

"Not too bad, eh, Hermione?" Ginny said, winking. Everyone found the whole thing quite funny. Hermione didn't.

Nobody said that Hermione fancied the boys back though. Hermione wasn't "that type of girl." The only reason the rumour had spread was because Neville and Goyle weren't exactly beauty contestants. They'd be the only guys to like a girl like her. Well, that's what she thought, as she plopped on to her bed that night and listened to the other girls giggle.

"I think I'm going mad," she whispered to herself.

"Hermione! Did you say something? Hermione! Off in your own little world, are you? Hello!" Squeaky voices echoed at her from across the room. Hermione turned on her bed to look at them.

Pavarti was sitting cross-legged on the floor, hair in two neat plaits at the side of her face. She didn't have her makeup on but looked rather pretty anyway. Nice freckles decorated her nose.

Ginny had snuck in from her dormitory. She was wearing a string top and pyjamas ends. She was so thin, Ginny was, and so pale. Her hair was down and had gone slightly wavy – she'd been playing Quidditch in the rain.

Lavender was on her bed, lying on her stomach with her legs sprawled out. Her bright blonde hair was up in a bun and although she looked pretty, she wasn't as beautiful as normal. Hermione guessed it was all the effort she put into herself in the morning.

I could look like that, Hermione thought, if I was bothered.

They were all looking at her. Invitingly.

Hermione had always felt like an outsider with the girls but, without deeper contemplation, she realised a lot of that was her fault. She was the one who had thought herself better than them, thought them to be silly little girls, thought themselves to be way prettier than her just because her insecurities had grown.

Hermione did something she couldn't remember doing in such a long time. She got off her bed, the bed in the foremost corner, and plopped herself on Parvati's bed, beside Ginny, and said, in a convincingly girly voice, "So, what are we talking about then?"

She joined in and was received perfectly. So, she didn't really know nor care about the school's gossip. It was still fun to listen to and Pavarti really did do good impersonations. Lavender was very good at remembering the small details that everyone else forgot and Ginny had perfected the art of exaggeration.

Hermione, for one brief moment, felt satisfied.

But she knew that it was not enough.

_Things will start heating up soon but it'll take a bit. Life isn't always majorly dramatic, although Hermione's going to be changing a lot soon and she's going to be doing some stuff that she wouldn't have done before. Our little Hermione – she's growing up fast, isn't she?_

_I'd like you to know that I support the charity "Press-the-Button" and would be really happy if you supported it too. See that nice review button down there – just press it and type! Make a button's day! _


	4. Her First Drunken Mistake

Hermione had gotten much better in herself, concerning her relationship with the girls. She become quite fond of Lavender in particular, and had realised that she'd under estimated Ginny Weasley! Ginny was neither as sweet nor as innocent as she let on – cheeky little minx! Time had passed, and Hermione was now a firm member of the girls' girly circle, and took frequent part in their overly flamboyant rituals of beautifying and gossiping.

It helped ease the pent up pressure boiling inside her.

The three girls had put a new meaning into Gryffindor bravery, also! A Hogsmade weekend, for them, was not for use to buy new books as it had always been for her. Instead they used it for what they believed was its only purpose: to drink heavily.

Hermione, constant worrier that she was, frantically urged them not to, and definitely not to push her into coming with them! What if a teacher spotted them? What if they were allergic to something in the drink (like Alcohol, perhaps?) and died or ended up in hospital? What if there was a Death Eater attack or they were too intoxicated to fight properly?

The girls responded to her worries with sniggers and unflattering mimicking and teasing, and, because she was now a member of their circle, began picking at her to go. Picking and prodding and blackmailing and general things like that until Hermione, at the end of her tether, finally said that she would go with them to make sure they would be okay, and might partake in the drinking of a Butterbeer later on in the night.

Hermione hadn't reckoned on having to wake up and see them all getting ready three hours before they were bound to set off.

"What are you doing?" she questioned.

"Getting ready," Parvati answered matter-of-factly. "We were going to wake you but we didn't want you to be too tired. Ginny has a feeling tonight's going to be a mad drama, and Ginerva's always right about things like that!"

"Is she?" Hermione said weakly, staring to doubt whether she was insane enough to do this.

"Don't worry," Ginny interrupted as if she could read her mind. "You'll be fine. We'll take care of you!"

"Or we'll find a man to take care of you," Lavender said with a cheeky grin, looking up from painting her toenails.

"A man to take care of me?" Hermione repeated feeling weaker still, heart beating dully.

"Of course!" The three girls exclaimed together, and laughed.

And yet part of Hermione was excited. Part of her wanted to just let herself go wild. Part of her was ready to experience more than just books and danger. Part of her as ready to grow up.

The rest of her was absolutely terrified.

But she got up and decided to start getting ready.

* * *

She knew now why the girls had gotten ready so early. Time flew, and Hermione didn't have enough time to do everything. But Ginny had helped her get ready and Hermione was wearing her best jeans and a blue jumper Ms Weasley had made her for Christmas and her hair was a little more like curls than just plain frizz. She was wearing a tint of bronzer on her face and mascara on her eyelashes. She felt a little more confident than normal, and, with a sudden wild impulse, hoped Ginny was right about this being a mad drama of a night.

She walked into Hogshead pub and began to feel a little self-conscious. Why had she worn a Weasley jumper? Lavender looked extremely pretty in a long flowing skirt, peach sandals and a black modest top. Parvati looked completely over the top in black pants, spiky black heals and a fancy fleshy red top, and somehow not only got away with the outfit, but looked fantastic. Ginny looked beautiful in a plain black dress. And Hermione looked like she was off for her first day on Primary school!

She sipped her Butterbeer slowly, and watched all the other girls. Parvati wasn't drinking much quicker than Hermione herself, but Lavender was drinking fire whiskeys at quite a pace, and Ginny was almost gulping down full glasses in one slug. Hermione urged them both to slow down, but that seemed to only make the other girls laugh and drink more frequently.

"Well, well…look at who we have here." Hermione looked up to see the smirking face of Draco Malfoy, leering over them all.

"Shove off, Malfoy," Ginny slurred.

"You ain't wanted!" Lavender sang at him.

Parvati looked scared to look at him, and Hermione only glared.

"Look! Goyle! Crabbe! Look at Granger, with her one glass of Butterbeer!" He pointed exaggeratingly in her face, and his two bodyguards guffawed stupidly. "And look!" he continued, shrieking with glee, "I think she's actually made an effort to make herself look presentable! Try harder, Granger, 'cause it's not working!"

"Malfoy, if you don't get away from this table this minute, I'm going to hex you so hard that, not only will there never be a future Malfoy heir, but you'll have amused every single person here so much that every time they see your newly disfigured face they'll remember this day and laugh at you!"

Malfoy looked behind him at the Weasley twins, both identically smiling eagerly at him, wands at the ready. With little hesitation, he scuttled away and his two shadows followed. Hermione felt strangely disappointed with Goyle, who'd she hoped there was more to, and completely disheartened at Malfoy's words. All she wanted to do now was curl up in bed.

"Alright Hermione?" Fred said, sitting down beside her.

"Don't be worrying about Malfoy, Hermione," George told her bracingly. Then his attention was distracted from her. "Ginny, how much have you had to drink!"

George and Ginny began to bicker. Fred rolled his eyes and smiled over at Hermione. "You're alright, aren't you? You don't care about what Malfoy thinks!"

"No," she lied.

He could see through her lie. "Listen, how about I buy you a drink to help you forget about it?"

This was Hermione's first mistake: letting a Weasley twin buy her a drink.

* * *

"What're you doing?" George asked his brother.

"Making up a cocktail," Fred responded cheerfully.

"For who?"

"Hermione. To cheer her up."

"What! Fred, you can't!"

"Why not?"

"Fred, that's not cheering her up, that's getting her drunk!"

"Is there a difference?" Fred challenged.

"What would Hermione be like drunk?" George wondered aloud, looking back at their table where she was sitting with her empty glass, looking pale and miserable. "Alright, why not? We'll be here to make sure she's all right. Which one you making?" For the Weasley inventing days were not all about jokes and novelty items, and both could make up a lethal combination of drinks.

Fred didn't respond, instead letting his brother watch him make up the drink. George chucked at the final result. "Poor girl."

"Yeah," Fred said distantly.

"Now what are you doing?" George asked.

"What else?" Fred looked surprised. "Making one up for myself." He grinned. "To cheer me up."

* * *

Fred brought back the drinks, sitting beside her again. She looked at the strange coloured drinks and looked at him inquiringly.

"Try it," he insisted.

Hermione didn't want to. But Ginny and George had continued their bickering and Parvati was over talking to Michael Corner and Lavender had completely disappeared. Fred was here talking and smiling at her, being nice to her, and she didn't want to seem rude. So, taking a deep breath, she slid the drink to her and took a teeny sip.

"It's really tasty!" she exclaimed.

"You sound so surprised," he laughed. "As if I'd make up something that would taste horrible."

"You made it up?" she asked, and took another sip.

"Yeah. I'm having one to. We'll switch if you want, in case you think I've poisoned it."

"I don't think that," she protested, after seriously considering his proposal and deciding against it reluctantly.

"Sure you didn't." He winked at her. "Just relax, Hermione. For once, let yourself have a good time."

"I've let myself have a good time before!"

"Sure you have," he said, looking pointedly at the bag she had brought that was weighed down with books.

Feeling defensive, she took a huge gulp of the lovely tasting drink and told him, "There!"

"Prove me wrong, so," he dared her. "Drink the full contents of that glass."

"What do I get if I do?" she said, and took another gulp.

"Another drink?" he offered easily.

Hermione thought he was joking, but she wasn't sure. Just what was in this anyway…but one drink couldn't hurt. And, if he was drinking it, it surely couldn't do anything too bad to her! Anyway, she couldn't not drink it now; she would be proving him right. And it was about time she let herself have a god time. For once.

And, feeling oddly satisfied with herself, Hermione began gulping it down and was aware of Fred's approving eyes watching her drink it.

* * *

Fred made good with his deal. Her glass was empty for about half a minute before he went to the bar and refilled it. He refilled his own too, and was sitting back beside her before she could even begin to mess his fun presence.

With every gulp she took, the nicer the drink tasted. There was no nasty tang of normal alcohol and no major heaviness of sugar. She wasn't really sure she had tasted anything like it, it was fruity but not strong, and it slid down her throat easily. This glass must have slid down a lot easier than the last because it seemed like only a second before Fred was up refilling both their glasses again.

She hadn't a clue where everyone else was. She was only aware of Fred's where-a-bouts. She knew that Ron and Harry had entered some time ago, but she wasn't sure they'd seen her. Lavender was talking to Ron closely and Ginny and Harry were over in a dark corner sitting beside each other. Neither of the two boys had said hello but Hermione didn't care, Fred was with her so she was not alone.

* * *

The room was spinning. Fred was up again, and refilling the glasses. Malfoy was suddenly leaning over her, "Merlin, Granger, you're drunk!"

"I most certainly am not!" she spotted indignantly.

"Come dance with me?" Malfoy offered then, and tried to pull her up by the hand.

"NO!" Hermione looked over at Fred. "Fred will be angry if I did! He's very protective, like a brother…" she blabbered on.

"Not really a brother, is he, getting you pissed?" Malfoy sneered and disappeared finally.

Fred came back with the drinks and she greeted hers gratefully with a large gulp of it. The story was a lot funnier when she told it to Fred. Everything seemed funnier actually.

"You're not pissed!" Fred told her. "You're just merry, like me!"

"That's it, yeah!" she yelled.

Fred had his arm around her. She didn't know why, but it was rather nice. She was sitting very closely to him, and was losing track over which glass was hers or his. She drank from both of them.

She seemed to have completely forgotten who she was.

"C'mon, Hermione, we'll go for a walk." The thought of not going with him didn't even occur to her. She staggered along with him, leaning against him for support, wondering why she couldn't quite walk straight. He still had that arm around her, and it felt even nicer when they walked outside and it was cold.

"It's gotten dark," she said. "What time is it? They will be closing the Hogwarts gates soon."

He shushed her. "Aren't you having a good time? Nobody's gone home yet, why should you?"

"Because I'm Hermione Granger, and that's what I do."

"No, you're Hermione Granger, letting yourself have a good time," he told her importantly.

She glowed with pride.

"I have had a good time," she smiled. "With you. We've never really gotten along well but I think, Fred Weasley, that you've made me had such a good time!" It wasn't quite the powerful and meaningful statement she wanted it to be and so she just dispersed into giggles along side him.

He lifted her chin up so it was level with his. "I've had fun. You've been a lot of fun. You should do this more often. And you're looking very nice tonight."

And then Fred Weasley was kissing her!

There was no inhibitions or doubts where she was, there was no deep thoughts or revelations, and yet she was immensely satisfied with herself.

Malfoy had wanted to dance with her, she had drunk loads of Weasley-invented cocktails, and she was kissing Fred Weasley! Fred was Ron's brother! She was wearing a jumper sent to her by Fred's mother! He was eighteen, and she only sixteen! It was wrong, and she just didn't care.

And the world just wouldn't stop spinning….

* * *

_Sorry about this now, when I said I wouldn't update. But now I have. I was inspired, so here we go! Inspired by real life events…drink carefully, won't you?_

_Anyway, dunno why the pairings will be so wacky but they will be! This isn't a romance…but there will be little parts of romance and a lot of pairings! Okay?_

_Thanks to: PinkTribeChick, sugarnspice, WalkBeneaththeTrees, and MJT13._


	5. Her First Boyfriend

The whispering felt like knives. Knives piercing through her head. Hermione opened her eyes, to immediately close them against the blinding light spilling through the window. But there was no question of her returning to sleep, she was extremely hot and uncomfortable, and her throat felt like sand paper. And then there were them damn whispering roommates of hers.

"Will you lot shut up?" she grumbled in a sort of crispy voice.

The whispers stopped immediately, so Hermione knew they must be about her. She dared crack open another eye and saw Lavender, Parvati and Ginny gathered on Lavender's bed, and all three were staring over, obviously alarmed in case she'd heard.

"I don't care," she muttered. "Gin…water? Please?"

"Sure." Ginny nervously ran over to her bed with a clear glass of life-saving water. Hermione sat up, with effort, to drink it. It eased her throat and her eyes were beginning to adjust to the terrible brightness. Her head wasn't painful, but there was a dull-like pressure between her two eyebrows.

Hermione knew this was her first hangover, and disliked it immensely.

"What're you lot gossiping about?" she said in a grouchy voice, slamming the water down on the counter a bit unnecessarily and frowning at them.

"Last night," Lavender supplied quickly.

And then Hermione remembered everything, and let out a long, audible groan.

"You have a lot to say for yourself, Hermione," Ginny said, and frowned right back at her. "It isn't funny! You kissed Fred! I didn't even know you liked him!"

"I didn't! I don't! I-I dunno!" The roles were reversed now, and Hermione was the nervous one now, and Ginny the grumpy one.

"You were drunk," Parvati accused lightly.

Sulkily, Hermione nodded, and wished it were not true.

"Ha!" Ginny pointed a triumphant finger at her, but seemed unable to say more.

"So were you!" Lavender said to that finger and it dropped uncertainly. "And you lot are all missing the point! What kind of kisser is Fred? I say he's so skilled at this state. You know, because he's so old…"

"I _so_ don't want to hear this!" Ginny screeched and put two delicate hands over her ears.

Hermione's face flushed, and she didn't want to answer with anything more than a nod. Lavender sighed, Parvati smirked, and Ginny, seeing the nod, squealed. Then the three girls burst into simultaneous laughter about how they'd converted Hermione Granger, and Hermione, after a hesitation, joined in also. Because it was funny, and because Hermione decided she couldn't beat herself up about such things anymore. She was who she was and whom she wanted to change into, and if anyone didn't like it, then they could shove off.

* * *

Everything wasn't so funny when Hermione came downstairs and saw Ron's furious face. Parvati, as good at Potions as Hermione was, had made them all up a Refreshment Potion which helped, but she still felt slightly nauseous and felt as if she had never slept last night. Ron's face, however, made her feel as if she hadn't slept for a dozen nights. She didn't want to hear him shout – her dull ache in her forehead might return.

"What did you think you were playing at last night, Hermione?" Ron bellowed, and everyone in the Grand Hall turned to face them, and to listen.

"We'll talk about this later, Ron," she murmured to him before passing him and sitting beside Lavender.

"Sit down here!" Ron continued. In that echoing tone, and pointed angrily at the seat in between him and Harry. "Sit down here like you always used to! I don't know what's been going on with you, but you've been completely ignoring us lately and it's not fair! What did we do, Hermione? And what's been up with you? You were pissed last night! You, Hermione Granger! It's like I don't even know who you are anymore!"

Anger rose in her chest. "What's wrong," she said coldly. "Having to do your Transfiguration essays on your own now, is it?"

He opened and closed his mouth like a fish, and she turned away from him on her seat. She was aware of all the eyes still on them.

"You kissed my brother!" he exclaimed suddenly and seriously. "You kissed Fred! Do you deny it?"

"I know what I did," she replied in the same freezing voice, eyes on him again but narrowed. "I went out last night and had a couple of drinks. I had fun. Yes, I'm sorry, Ron, that I had fun. I have changed, and I'm sorry if you can't keep up. Fred was being nice to me, he knew I was a girl, and yeah we kissed! I don't even see what it has to do with you!"

"You're my best friend," he tried to argue.

She threw up her hands in frustration.

"It hasn't felt like it lately," he continued and his voice was lower now, and just for her. "I know. And I know I should make more of an effort with you, Hermione. I'm sorry. I know you're a girl…Merlin, I know you're a girl!"

"What are you talking about, Ron?" Anger faded away to confusion.

"Don't you know yet? I'm crazy about you, Hermione. I have been for so long now."

"Ron…?"

"Be…be my girlfriend, Hermione." His innocent blue eyes poured into hers. "Please?"

"It'd never work," she said but she was smiling now. "We'd kill each other!"

"It's worth a try though, isn't it?" he persisted.

Hermione looked at him. She'd been so unsatisfied, so unhappy. She had wanted to live life fully again. So maybe she didn't really feel that way about Ron…it was time she lived her life, without hesitation and without regret. She had passed so many chances and opportunities over, just for the sake of her morals and her books, and look at how unhappy and bored that had left her. No, it was time she made some proper choices, and let herself just have fun.

"Why not?" she shrugged still smiling and, after seeing the delight flood over Ron's face, she let him pull her into a kiss, right in front of the whole watching Grand Hall.

* * *

_Just a little chapter to keep things moving. What you think? Ron/Hermione will not be the final ship although they're going to be together for one or two chapters, while other stuff happens. I know who the final ship will be but Hermione needs to grow up a bit before being able to handle him._

_This story's more about the development of Hermione, rather than anything else, and about growing up. This story will hopefully be relatable and, although this chapter wasn't too realistic, some of the stuff explored on this chapter will be. _

_Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter: Seghen, illyria-light, sakuya-kaleido, fool-of-shadows._


End file.
